L’Osangelino Riviu’. Seinfeld 1 – Juno 0

"Cute”. That seemed to be the word for Juno. Almost every person

I had talked to or heard talking about the movie inevitably, at one moment or

other of their unanimously positive review, had fallen on the word “cute”. I

couldn’t help but be intrigued by the widespread agreement of so many different

people. Why did 20 year old Californian/Russian Jewish boys, 50 year old Italian

mothers and everyone in between spontaneously use this same

word? I decided to watch the movie and see if I were overwhelmed by the

cuteness as well.

Not so much…

The Plot: A 16 year old girl

(Juno MacGuff, played by Ellen Page) gets pregnant and decides to give the

child up for adoption to a seemingly lovely couple (Mark and Vanessa Loring,

respectively played by Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner.) However Mark gets

cold feet, divorces and disappears without wanting anything to do with the

baby. In the end, Juno and Vanessa complete the transaction on their own.

The Twist: Mark, who at first we

think is a good guy with dreams and passion, similar in many ways to Juno

herself, turns out to be an insecure mid to late thirty year old who wishes he

was still twenty. On the other hand, Vanessa, whom we thought was a

manipulative bitch who would have been a horrible mother, is actually a loving

and caring person who will surely be a terrific mother for the poor merchandise

sitting in Juno’s belly. What a twist!

The Moral: Don’t judge a book by its cover. It’s

OK to be weird, everybody is. Blah blah love people for who they are blah blah.

I’m not sure what the most

annoying aspect of the 91 minutes was. Maybe the trendy,

“rotten-tomatoes”

reading viewers surrounding me, who were well instructed that this was

a “hip and hilarious” movie that would make them “laugh deeply” and did

everything they could to prove the

reviews right, even if that implied laughing at the most predictably

obnoxious

one-liners that usually didn’t consist of an actual joke, but rather

the use

of some unusual word such as “shenanigans” or “homeskillet”.

Or maybe it was the fact that

this supposedly “independent” movie was produced by Fox Searchlight pictures

among others and has already grossed, in the US alone, $110,263,000 as of Feb.

3 2008. I was unable to find the marketing cost for this movie, but I’m

positive that it was much more than the reported 7.5 million of production cost

given that every single time I’ve turned the TV on in the past couple of months

I was forced to suffer a “Juno” commercial.

It might also be the forced

grunge/alternative feel of the entire film (2 or 3 scenes between Juno

and Mark consisted in nothing else but an exchange of

alternative-semi-underground

movie titles, comics and bands,) which was hypocritically squashed by

the very

suburban soccer-mom-like pro-life message, proudly paraded by

Su-Chin’s: “All

babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!” I would like

to take a moment and go over

Juno’s reason to not get an abortion: Su-Chin tells her fetuses have

nails, the

lady at the clinics counter offers her a flavored condom, and the

waiting room

smelled like a dentist’s office …

On the other hand, it might have

been the irrelevant absurdities scattered throughout the movie that were

bizarre, simply for the desire to be bizarre, not because they actually meant

anything. I.E.: Every now and then Juno pretends to smoke a pipe … The track

team seems to be running in the background of almost every outdoor shot … Juno’s

step mother has an obsession with dogs … her step sister is named Liberty Bell …This

seemingly random absurdity wasn’t even particularly funny. If you are

interested in Absurdity that is actually pretty funny and even has some meaning

within the context of the story; check out any episode of Will and Grace.

Particularly the scenes between Jack and Karen.

It could perhaps be the transparency of the

Oscar nominated writing, which seemed an exercise in using the Thesaurus.

Or maybe it can be the fact that this film has been actually nominated for four

Oscars: best film, best director, best lead actress and best screenplay. Keep

in mind the Coen Brothers comedic masterpiece “The Big Lebowski” was nominated

for: nothing… The list of comedies much superior to “Juno” which got less

recognition is long and includes movies such as: “Good Morning Vietnam” “About

Schmidt” “Animal House” and “The Blues Brothers”.

Ellen Page: Best Actress. I

understand the role calls for: super cool girl who handles teenage pregnancy

like a forty year old mother of seven. But I didn’t see a single muscle in her

face move until she was giving birth. She cried twice. Which were the two only

moments she didn’t deliver the lines with a flat monotonous tone. If the total

lack of mobility was there for comedic effect (you know, tell a joke with stone

cold seriousness and the joke is even funnier) then check out David Hyde Pierce

in his role in “Frasier”, which he played for 11 years not 91 minutes. But he’s

one in a lot. Ellen Page is not. If she deserved a best actress nomination,

then Michael Cera (Juno’s boyfriend and father of the unwanted child) deserved

a best supporting actor nomination because, frankly, he was much more

entertaining to watch.

Diablo Cody: Best screenplay.

These are some memorable quotes from this fantastic magnum opus…

 

Juno MacGuff:

I could like, have this baby and give it to someone who like totally needs it.

Leah: You

should look in the PennySaver.

Juno MacGuff:

They have ads for parents?

Leah:

Yeah! 'Desperately Seeking Spawn.'

 

Or

 

Punk Receptionist:

Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.

Juno MacGuff:

No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.

Punk Receptionist:

My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell

like pie.

 

Here

are some memorable quotes from the television sitcom “Friends”…

 

Ross: I

would date her but there is a big age difference.

Joey: Well think about it when you're

90...

Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it

won't be such a big difference.

Joey: No. What I was gonna say is

when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a

20-year-old.

 

Or

 

Ross: I

figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to...

woo her.

Chandler: Hey, you know what you should

do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.

 

Friends

ran for 238, 30 minute episodes. That’s 7140 minutes. Juno was 91 minutes. The

quality of the dialogue between the two is virtually the same…

Jason Reitman: Best Direction. I

don’t even know where to begin with this one. I didn’t notice any outstanding

artistry in the storytelling. In fact, it was pretty bland and conventional.

During every scene change I could picture the script: Fade out. Cut to next

scene. Fade out. Cut to next scene. … He obviously didn’t do much with the

actors because they all sounded and acted pretty much the same: flat, and there

weren’t any mesmerizing shots or sequences.

Juno: Best Film. Well, I figure

that’s simply a trickling effect of the fact that the screen play, the lead

actress and the director were nominated. To think that it’s in the same list of

nominees as “There Will Be Blood” and “No Country For Old Men” is baffling, to

say the least.

Why people like Juno: It is incredibly one dimensional and simple, like

any Hollywood blockbuster action movie.

However, it lacks the action part, therefore, your regular moviegoer thinks

it’s deeper (whereas all that it is, is much cheaper to produce.) Because it is

so simple, the same moviegoer needs to put absolutely no effort in following

the film and understanding it. Conclusion: Our moviegoer feels like he’s just

followed and understood a “film” as opposed to the usual action movie he

watches, therefore that “film” must be a good one. In fact, not only did he

follow it, but he was actually able to somehow predict the twists of the

“film”. Basically Juno is a crowd pleaser. It makes the viewer feel good about

himself because he thinks he has been able to follow and successfully predict a

“film”, as opposed to a movie. That’s unheard of: a movie, sorry, “film” that

makes you feel good about yourself and your mo… ”film” predicting abilities?

The icing on the cake is that the same moviegoer doesn’t recognize any of the

names of the actors (except for those who follow the gossip columns and know

about Bennifer.) All the pros of an action movie without any of the cons.

My suggestion: Turn your TV on at

any time of the day or night and you will be sure to find one of the following

shows - Seinfeld,

Frasier, Friends, Will and Grace, Everybody Loves Raymond, Cheers, Roseanne - airing.

Watch it; you’ll get much more out of it than spending 11 bucks

on Juno.